Bringing Home Charlie Brown

I've seen a lot of comparisons on Facebook lately about "what a difference a year makes." Looking at pictures from last Christmas to this Christmas  I agree are very very different. One less family member present, more wrinkles and gray hair, more sadness in the eyes.  A huge change for our 8 year old. Last year at this time we were still adjusting to the new addition to our family. She was still adjusting to us. This year in Christmas pictures she is bright eyed, full of life, and ready to take on the world. Last year she was a hot mess! Crazy hair, scared eyes, tired smile, ready to run away and hide from this new life. There was a certain timidness that has all but disappeared.  We've made a lot of progress, in a lot of areas, but have a lot of progress yet to make. In many ways a year makes all the difference, and yet there is no change at all.We are still in the same boat we were in last year. No forward, no back, no major changes of any kind for her life plan....

I hate running. I have always hated running. I am NOT a runner. I will walk for miles, walk very quickly even, but running has never been my "thing." We bought a treadmill in the early part of 2015 and while it was cold we used it religiously. Then life got crazy. It sat in my living room taking up space. I wanted more space there and a less cluttered space, so it moved to the dining room. It has now been used for two weeks straight. The nice thing about the dining room is that no one is interrupted when using the treadmill there. People can still watch TV and play in the living room with out the annoying buzz of the treadmill. I've always loved the idea of being a runner. The ability to pop in headphones and just go for miles on your own, pounding the pavement, alone with your thoughts. This takes WORK. For someone who has NEVER been good at running I looked for the most basic running program available. Walk five minutes, run 1 minute, walk three, repeat five times. Th...

I haven't written lately because my blog has been set to private. There are many reasons for that, but ultimately it was to protect ourselves while we battled through court. What a long and sorrowful battle it was. I'm not ready to write "that post." You know, the one that details the last 6 months of our lives. I can't do it yet. However, I do know that writing is therapeutic for me, and it's something I enjoy doing.  We are a week from Christmas break here at school, and boy am I ready for a time of rest! For my mind, my body, but most importantly, my spirit. Christmas break is a good time for that. Shorter days, longer nights, colder weather that keeps us inside, all conducive for a good rest. I am looking forward to catching up on Sleepy Hollow, Once Upon a Time, and Quantico.   Our lives have been a whirlwind of pain, grief, and emotions. I can't even begin to describe the process this has been. We are still in the middle of it, and do not see the e...

It is always so nerve wracking for me to go to court. Even when we have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen it still fills me with anxiety. When we have no idea what will happen I could just throw up in the court room! I think it would make anybody nervous to go to court, but in our situation so much is at stake. It also forces us to come face to face with some very awkward situations. We have to converse and visit with the bio parents of our kids, we have to be nice and social and talk about our son with them and listen to the fact that they believe he is only their son and we are simply the babysitters.... We know that this is a defense mechanism, however it is very hard to listen to someone tell you about your child knowing that they are incorrect about his behaviors and actions and have to smile and nod like they know exactly what they are talking about. We have to face attorneys who, we believe, are fighting for the wrong things, we have to face a state's attorney wh...

Holy Moses we are blessed beyond measure. We set up a go fund me account and within two hours we have raised almost $500!!!! We have had to hire a lawyer to represent the rights of our Charlie Brown. We have found a good lawyer who knows her stuff and will represent us well, but man is she expensive! Our initial fee is $5000 and thats just the beginning. Good thing momma found another job to help pay for lawyer bills! Our little man is more than worth it! It is so important that we fight for the rights of the voiceless. It is our job to protect those who cannot protect themselves. We must fight for the motherless and fatherless. This is why #teambubba was formed. We know that we are not on this journey alone. We know that we have a team of wonderful supporters and family members. All of you make up #teambubba! Our journey has been filled with so many low low points that it makes me full of sorrow. However our journey has also been filled with so many incredible blessings. We have see...

     I hate Mother's Day. Yes, you read that right. I hate it. I think all people have one holiday they hate, dislike, or think is dumb. Mine is Mother's Day. For the last several years Mother's Day has been a sore subject for me. Either because of entering our pregnancy journey, being in the middle of our infertility journey, or now being in the middle of our adoption journey. You see Mother's Day puts the emphasis on the mother, how great she is and how much she does for her family. This is almost ALWAYS followed by stories of how long said mother labored in pain during delivery, how they have always been there for you when you needed it, how they were there every moment of your life to protect you. How they have sacrificed everything for your well being. How wonderful your mother is. This is not always the truth of every mother.     These things do not apply to our family. I did not give birth to any of our children. While one we have had since 3 days old, ...

Food Hoarding. Ever heard of it? Ever seen it? Two words. Heart Breaking. It's a learned survivor skill. It gets messy quickly. Basically a child has learned that food will be in short supply and not consistent. To prevent hunger that child takes food and hides it in various "secret" placed to be consumed at a later "hungry" date.  Another side of the food hoarding is the obsessive eating. Because children aren't sure when their next meal will come they STUFF themselves, to the point of sickness, to make sure that they won't be as hungry later. When a child is in survival mode these are "helpful" behaviors. They allow a child to literally SURVIVE. When a child isn't in that situation it becomes more complicated.  Because food is always available in our house the eating until you are sick becomes a daily problem. Eventually the mass amounts of over eating will lead to some pretty serious weight gain and health problems. Obviously the goa...

We've been in the whirlwind of foster care for about 2 years now. Foster care never ceases to amaze me. The laws don't make sense, the policies are out dated, the kids are stuck in limbo, the agencies are over booked and under staffed. It truly is a nightmare. Yet we press on. We do it for the kids. And everyday we pray that our children find permanency.  I've realized over the last 3 months that this time around in foster care is very different from our first experience. I feel like we are in the "traditional throws" of care. You hear a lot in the foster care community about push back behaviors from kids in care. Obviously with having a new born we never had to worry about that the first time through. This time we have classic "foster kid" behavior response. Our number one pushback behavior...LYING!  All was going well for the first month, great manners, great behaviors, following directions, perfection. And then... the COMFORT came. Let's be hon...

Sometimes I really wish we could just have a big flashing sign over us that says something like "These kids are in foster care, beware of weird comments." Or "Foster parent coming, approach with caution." Or even, "Don't look at us, we're foster parents, you have no idea what we do and you'll never understand." It would perhaps be easier to have a sign like this following us around than it is to deal with the odd looks, the random comments, the whispers of disapproval as we walk away. I'm sure that some of these things are over exaggerations in my head. I am sure that these things feel more obvious than they are. Oh, I'm not making it totally up. A trip to the store with our 7 year old, and you'll totally understand what I am saying. I dare ya to do it! Social immaturity is so hard to explain and so hard for people to understand. While our child is developmentally on track with where she should be and educationally on track, emoti...

This is a little bit of a different post for this blog tonight, but it's what's happening in our lives today.  I can honestly say that I did not realize how sexualized the media world has become in regards to kid's shows! Sex (and sexuality) is EVERYWHERE around us in the adult world. This fact is overly obvious. There are things you can do to limit your exposure, but as an adult you can't block out all of those types of influences unless perhaps you moved to a private island with no contact of the outside world. Barring that and it's pretty much an impossible task. As an adult I recognize this and can deal with it, and censor things out.  I was shocked today as I was listening to a show our little girl was watching. A show that is clearly aimed at young girls and presents itself as different, hip, and a little edgy, right along with the zombie craze everyone is so into right now. There are dolls, and toys, and movies, and toothpaste, and a series of episodes on...

In all the busyness of our lives sometimes I forget exactly how we got here. Here to this whole foster care thing... I also seem to forget that not everyone deals with what we deal with. Quite honestly I think that I will feel a little lost when we have no more agency involvement in our lives, whenever that may be. It's odd to me that not everyone has monthly home visits, not everyone has to schedule in bio-parent visits, or sibling visits. Not everyone is waiting on the "next court date" like we are. How can I think that everyone lives like this? It's quite simple really, I'm very wrapped up in our own lives. Not in a I think we are the center of everyone's universe kind of way. But in the we have a LOT to get done each week kind of way. I think every mom is insanely busy. Like can't see straight busy. Mom's have too much to do every week. Yet they get it all done and keep going. Whether they stay at home and work or go somewhere else and work. Mom...

I always feel I have so much to say. If I could travel around the country and just speak to people about our experience I would. I often say my dream job would be to be a public speaker. However I am where I am for a reason. With so much to say, you would think I would write more or at least more often. Many times it's simply too painful to write it all down. It makes things more permanent, more real. Many times I just want things to disappear or go away. Ignoring it makes neither of those things happen, however it allows me not to think about them for a while, and sometimes that is the only escape we get. Recently my family gained another addition. After battling with the question of "would we do this again" and going back and forth with NO WAY, to maybe, to yes, to depending on the case, we gained another child. Older this time. A girl. Not ideal circumstances, not ideal timing, but it was God's timing and His plan. This time around is soooooooooo different from o...