Why I hate Mother's Day.
I hate Mother's Day. Yes, you read that right. I hate it. I think all people have one holiday they hate, dislike, or think is dumb. Mine is Mother's Day. For the last several years Mother's Day has been a sore subject for me. Either because of entering our pregnancy journey, being in the middle of our infertility journey, or now being in the middle of our adoption journey. You see Mother's Day puts the emphasis on the mother, how great she is and how much she does for her family. This is almost ALWAYS followed by stories of how long said mother labored in pain during delivery, how they have always been there for you when you needed it, how they were there every moment of your life to protect you. How they have sacrificed everything for your well being. How wonderful your mother is. This is not always the truth of every mother.
These things do not apply to our family. I did not give birth to any of our children. While one we have had since 3 days old, another has 7 years of pain and hurt before coming to us. While we sacrifice for our children and want what is best for them we are not their sole parents. Everything we do is shared. While we parent and raise them, take care of them while they are sick and in need, my children are born of another woman. While I absolutely consider myself a mother I recognize that my ability to mother these beautiful children is borne out of the hurt, pain, and desperate sadness of another woman. While adoption is BEAUTIFUL and much needed, it is also tragic. I LOVE ADOPTION. However, I understand that my children will forever carry with them the loss and sadness of their primary attachment. For our older child there are years and years of hurt and abuse to overcome. We were NOT there to protect and care for her. While you may say there is no way we could have been, the fact still remains that we are left to daily deal with the scars that have been left by her past.
My children are torn between two families. One that is biologically theirs and one that is theirs through love and commitment. My children understand that they have two moms and two dads.
While I get to listen to and enjoy the sweet baby laughs another mother does not. While I get the sweet smiles, baby kisses, first words, first steps, first experiences, another mother does not. While I get to see school concerts, report cards, reading progress, dress up parties, and imaginary friends another mother does not. While poor life choices have brought these children to us in order to protect them, the guilt I feel over enjoying my children while another mother is suffering does not go away with the knowledge of that fact.
Mother's day is also a sad day for children who are old enough to understand what their situation means. There is a sadness there that they can't explain or fully understand at their present age. While I know they love us and are happy to be in a safe and loving home I also know that our older child is desperately missing her mother. In her perfect world we would both just live together. Not as easy to accomplish. Again, these are pains and issues I cannot and will not ever be able to fix for her. Even if she were to return home to her mother she now has to deal with the loss of a secondary attachment. It's very much a lose lose situation. So why do it then? It's simple really, these kids need loving families. They deserve the best they can be given. Even if that means grief for the adults in their lives.
So while I understand all of the Happy Mother's Day comments and remarks of how much mother's do, I'd rather just forget it all. While I love the handmade gifts made from handprints, footprints, pictures, and original artwork, I also see the deep hurt in my children's eyes. I'm tired of listening to Mother's day speeches and sermons that forget that motherhood comes to women in different ways. Not all mothers are made through pregnancy and birth. Many are made through very different and tragic ways. I'm tired of 500,000 children's situations being forgotten. I'm tired of sucking it up and smiling about how great motherhood is and how great a day this is when in reality for thousands of women and children across our country this day represents hurt, pain, failure, grief, infertility, loneliness, and tragedy. I dread this day every year. While I love and love to celebrate my mother, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my aunts, and my friends who are wonderful and beautiful mothers, this day brings an immense amount of pain to the forefront of my mind. It is pain that I must deal with on my own terms and part of that is recognizing that it is there and allowing it to come to the surface.
"A child born of another women calls me mommy, the depth of that tragedy and magnitude of that privilege is not lost on me." It never will be. I am forever tied to two different women in a way that most people will never experience, we share a child. These children are mine in a way that they will never be theirs, but they are theirs in a way that they will never be mine. So for Mother's Day what I want, is one less orphan. I want more loving foster parents, I want more adoptive parents, I want society to recognize the forgotten 500,000 children in need of homes. I want women to feel loved because of their innate ability to mother humanity. I want people to understand that however motherhood comes to you it is beautiful.
Happy Mother's Day ladies, you are all important whether you have a biological child, an adopted child, foster children, step children, or are waiting so desperately for a child to come into your life. I hope today that you can reflect on how much God sees you and knows the desire of your heart. May you find exactly what you need on your journey.
These things do not apply to our family. I did not give birth to any of our children. While one we have had since 3 days old, another has 7 years of pain and hurt before coming to us. While we sacrifice for our children and want what is best for them we are not their sole parents. Everything we do is shared. While we parent and raise them, take care of them while they are sick and in need, my children are born of another woman. While I absolutely consider myself a mother I recognize that my ability to mother these beautiful children is borne out of the hurt, pain, and desperate sadness of another woman. While adoption is BEAUTIFUL and much needed, it is also tragic. I LOVE ADOPTION. However, I understand that my children will forever carry with them the loss and sadness of their primary attachment. For our older child there are years and years of hurt and abuse to overcome. We were NOT there to protect and care for her. While you may say there is no way we could have been, the fact still remains that we are left to daily deal with the scars that have been left by her past.
My children are torn between two families. One that is biologically theirs and one that is theirs through love and commitment. My children understand that they have two moms and two dads.
While I get to listen to and enjoy the sweet baby laughs another mother does not. While I get the sweet smiles, baby kisses, first words, first steps, first experiences, another mother does not. While I get to see school concerts, report cards, reading progress, dress up parties, and imaginary friends another mother does not. While poor life choices have brought these children to us in order to protect them, the guilt I feel over enjoying my children while another mother is suffering does not go away with the knowledge of that fact.
Mother's day is also a sad day for children who are old enough to understand what their situation means. There is a sadness there that they can't explain or fully understand at their present age. While I know they love us and are happy to be in a safe and loving home I also know that our older child is desperately missing her mother. In her perfect world we would both just live together. Not as easy to accomplish. Again, these are pains and issues I cannot and will not ever be able to fix for her. Even if she were to return home to her mother she now has to deal with the loss of a secondary attachment. It's very much a lose lose situation. So why do it then? It's simple really, these kids need loving families. They deserve the best they can be given. Even if that means grief for the adults in their lives.
So while I understand all of the Happy Mother's Day comments and remarks of how much mother's do, I'd rather just forget it all. While I love the handmade gifts made from handprints, footprints, pictures, and original artwork, I also see the deep hurt in my children's eyes. I'm tired of listening to Mother's day speeches and sermons that forget that motherhood comes to women in different ways. Not all mothers are made through pregnancy and birth. Many are made through very different and tragic ways. I'm tired of 500,000 children's situations being forgotten. I'm tired of sucking it up and smiling about how great motherhood is and how great a day this is when in reality for thousands of women and children across our country this day represents hurt, pain, failure, grief, infertility, loneliness, and tragedy. I dread this day every year. While I love and love to celebrate my mother, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my aunts, and my friends who are wonderful and beautiful mothers, this day brings an immense amount of pain to the forefront of my mind. It is pain that I must deal with on my own terms and part of that is recognizing that it is there and allowing it to come to the surface.
"A child born of another women calls me mommy, the depth of that tragedy and magnitude of that privilege is not lost on me." It never will be. I am forever tied to two different women in a way that most people will never experience, we share a child. These children are mine in a way that they will never be theirs, but they are theirs in a way that they will never be mine. So for Mother's Day what I want, is one less orphan. I want more loving foster parents, I want more adoptive parents, I want society to recognize the forgotten 500,000 children in need of homes. I want women to feel loved because of their innate ability to mother humanity. I want people to understand that however motherhood comes to you it is beautiful.
Happy Mother's Day ladies, you are all important whether you have a biological child, an adopted child, foster children, step children, or are waiting so desperately for a child to come into your life. I hope today that you can reflect on how much God sees you and knows the desire of your heart. May you find exactly what you need on your journey.
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