Our life changes again
I always feel I have so much to say. If I could travel around the country and just speak to people about our experience I would. I often say my dream job would be to be a public speaker. However I am where I am for a reason. With so much to say, you would think I would write more or at least more often. Many times it's simply too painful to write it all down. It makes things more permanent, more real. Many times I just want things to disappear or go away. Ignoring it makes neither of those things happen, however it allows me not to think about them for a while, and sometimes that is the only escape we get.
Recently my family gained another addition. After battling with the question of "would we do this again" and going back and forth with NO WAY, to maybe, to yes, to depending on the case, we gained another child. Older this time. A girl. Not ideal circumstances, not ideal timing, but it was God's timing and His plan. This time around is soooooooooo different from our first time around. Easier? Maybe. We are definitely more in the "know" about how the system works. This child doesn't need us to meet her every need, yet there are so many needs she needs us for, she just doesn't know it. Our first placement was instant connection, instant family, instant joy, instant love. This is very different. This child is a "survivor" and because of that, doesn't feel the need to attach to any human being. This child, while happy to be in our home, doesn't want to be with us. She doesn't want to live here. She didn't choose this life for herself. This child can't wait to go home. I hope for her sake it's a possibility. I hope for her sake, that works out. I hope for her sake, she gets her happily ever after. If only I had the fairy god mother wand to make every foster child's wish a reality... I certainly would travel around the country using that gift.
Our house is now covered in glitter, so much glittered. It's also covered in Barbie shoes, and hair ties, dress up clothes, and crowns, play make-up, and princess accessories. Life is quite different with a girl. So many more things are needed when dressing a girl. With boys it's a shirt, pants, socks, shoes and you are out the door. Girls, well that's a whole other blog post!
Our lives seem to constantly be in a state of unknown. Someone asked me the other day about how we plan for things. We don't. You can't really plan for another round of agency schedules and all around bull crap that agency and law involvement brings. (It really is bull because the law and system works against these kids not for them. But that is something I could yell about until I am out of breath and out of words. Lately I've joked that I am going to leave the world of education and enter the world of law making. That's the only real way to change the system.) You can't plan for the pain and disgust of listening to a child recount the abuse that has happened to them. You can't plan for the melt downs and fits of rage. You can't plan for the long nights of worry and fear. You can't plan for moments of "why isn't my mom ready to take care of me?" Oh sure you can HAVE a plan. I'm a #1 control freak, on top of things, what's the plan for the day kind of person. But it all goes out the window when reality hits. You can read the books, read the blogs, read the articles, and while they all have great ideas, nothing can truly prepare you for these moments. All of those things are great resources and great tools to let you know you are not alone. I read a variety of articles and blogs DAILY, but until you actually go through these situations, nothing truly prepares you for them.
We are ordinary people. Well I am ordinary, my husband is superman, he just doesn't realize it. He holds us ALL together. We have no superior training, we have no supernatural gifts, we are by no means experts in any of this. However we are willing to open our homes and our hearts to children when they need a safety net. It's so not easy, but then I guess nothing worth doing ever is. The Lord is with us in every step of this journey. That doesn't make our current situation or the situation of our kids any easier, but it does give us comfort in knowing that we are not alone. We don't know the future of our children, but God does. Until the future is revealed I just have to trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Praise God that he is in control and I am not.
Recently my family gained another addition. After battling with the question of "would we do this again" and going back and forth with NO WAY, to maybe, to yes, to depending on the case, we gained another child. Older this time. A girl. Not ideal circumstances, not ideal timing, but it was God's timing and His plan. This time around is soooooooooo different from our first time around. Easier? Maybe. We are definitely more in the "know" about how the system works. This child doesn't need us to meet her every need, yet there are so many needs she needs us for, she just doesn't know it. Our first placement was instant connection, instant family, instant joy, instant love. This is very different. This child is a "survivor" and because of that, doesn't feel the need to attach to any human being. This child, while happy to be in our home, doesn't want to be with us. She doesn't want to live here. She didn't choose this life for herself. This child can't wait to go home. I hope for her sake it's a possibility. I hope for her sake, that works out. I hope for her sake, she gets her happily ever after. If only I had the fairy god mother wand to make every foster child's wish a reality... I certainly would travel around the country using that gift.
Our house is now covered in glitter, so much glittered. It's also covered in Barbie shoes, and hair ties, dress up clothes, and crowns, play make-up, and princess accessories. Life is quite different with a girl. So many more things are needed when dressing a girl. With boys it's a shirt, pants, socks, shoes and you are out the door. Girls, well that's a whole other blog post!
Our lives seem to constantly be in a state of unknown. Someone asked me the other day about how we plan for things. We don't. You can't really plan for another round of agency schedules and all around bull crap that agency and law involvement brings. (It really is bull because the law and system works against these kids not for them. But that is something I could yell about until I am out of breath and out of words. Lately I've joked that I am going to leave the world of education and enter the world of law making. That's the only real way to change the system.) You can't plan for the pain and disgust of listening to a child recount the abuse that has happened to them. You can't plan for the melt downs and fits of rage. You can't plan for the long nights of worry and fear. You can't plan for moments of "why isn't my mom ready to take care of me?" Oh sure you can HAVE a plan. I'm a #1 control freak, on top of things, what's the plan for the day kind of person. But it all goes out the window when reality hits. You can read the books, read the blogs, read the articles, and while they all have great ideas, nothing can truly prepare you for these moments. All of those things are great resources and great tools to let you know you are not alone. I read a variety of articles and blogs DAILY, but until you actually go through these situations, nothing truly prepares you for them.
We are ordinary people. Well I am ordinary, my husband is superman, he just doesn't realize it. He holds us ALL together. We have no superior training, we have no supernatural gifts, we are by no means experts in any of this. However we are willing to open our homes and our hearts to children when they need a safety net. It's so not easy, but then I guess nothing worth doing ever is. The Lord is with us in every step of this journey. That doesn't make our current situation or the situation of our kids any easier, but it does give us comfort in knowing that we are not alone. We don't know the future of our children, but God does. Until the future is revealed I just have to trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Praise God that he is in control and I am not.
Comments
Post a Comment