A Year Later
I've seen a lot of comparisons on Facebook lately about "what a difference a year makes." Looking at pictures from last Christmas to this Christmas I agree are very very different. One less family member present, more wrinkles and gray hair, more sadness in the eyes. A huge change for our 8 year old. Last year at this time we were still adjusting to the new addition to our family. She was still adjusting to us. This year in Christmas pictures she is bright eyed, full of life, and ready to take on the world. Last year she was a hot mess! Crazy hair, scared eyes, tired smile, ready to run away and hide from this new life. There was a certain timidness that has all but disappeared.
We've made a lot of progress, in a lot of areas, but have a lot of progress yet to make. In many ways a year makes all the difference, and yet there is no change at all.We are still in the same boat we were in last year. No forward, no back, no major changes of any kind for her life plan. Still floating in limbo. It feels like the limbo is never ending, yet we know with other cases it ends all too suddenly. That's the thing with the system, no one is steering the ship. The court blames it on the agency, the agency blames it on the lawyers, the lawyers blame it on the law, the law doesn't support the kids, the law makers say it's out of their hands, talk to the agency board, the agency board puts it back on the agency, and the cycle continues. We are ready to be done with this system, but it's not what is best for the child who is in our care.
We're a lot more jaded and distrusting a year later. We've learned the difference between genuine people and those who lie to get out of telling us what is really going on. We've learned that in order to navigate this system we have to be tough and many times "mean." This is something that I have a big problem with. I'm such a people pleaser that it is very hard for me to make people mad at me. I also over think everything, so no matter what I say I think about the affects of that for hours and sometimes days after words. I've lost that when dealing with this agency. I no longer care what they think of me. I don't care if I offend them or hurt their feelings. I don't care if they don't like to hear the truth. I don't care if they get upset by being told what we think of them, their agency, or their decisions. It no longer matters, there is nothing they can do that will hurt us any more than what they have already done. I guess you would call that progress. A progress that isn't pretty or one that I would have set as a goal for myself, yet it was progress that needed to be made. If only this progress would carry over to other areas of my life. I guess the jaded tough skin has to build in different areas of life at different times.
Looking forward to the next year I haven't set and resolutions or goals for the year. Those things easily get forgotten or lost in the shuffle. Each year brings new challenges, new experiences, new areas of struggle and growth, you can't foresee what the new year will bring, but you have to live through it. I know that this year will bring continued healing and moving through the grief process. Grief isn't something you can rush through, it isn't something that can be magically fixed, it is a process. Many people say it is a process that lasts your whole life, this is something I would believe. I also believe that it gets less intense over time. Unfortunately, the waiting is the hard part. I'm not a patient person, I never have been, and this is no different. I wish I could blink and be healed. I wish I could blink and a lot of things would happen. If only. I could spend hours on the "if only," but there is no point. There is only "what is," not "what could be." That is an acceptance I am not yet at. Maybe over this next year.
We've made a lot of progress, in a lot of areas, but have a lot of progress yet to make. In many ways a year makes all the difference, and yet there is no change at all.We are still in the same boat we were in last year. No forward, no back, no major changes of any kind for her life plan. Still floating in limbo. It feels like the limbo is never ending, yet we know with other cases it ends all too suddenly. That's the thing with the system, no one is steering the ship. The court blames it on the agency, the agency blames it on the lawyers, the lawyers blame it on the law, the law doesn't support the kids, the law makers say it's out of their hands, talk to the agency board, the agency board puts it back on the agency, and the cycle continues. We are ready to be done with this system, but it's not what is best for the child who is in our care.
We're a lot more jaded and distrusting a year later. We've learned the difference between genuine people and those who lie to get out of telling us what is really going on. We've learned that in order to navigate this system we have to be tough and many times "mean." This is something that I have a big problem with. I'm such a people pleaser that it is very hard for me to make people mad at me. I also over think everything, so no matter what I say I think about the affects of that for hours and sometimes days after words. I've lost that when dealing with this agency. I no longer care what they think of me. I don't care if I offend them or hurt their feelings. I don't care if they don't like to hear the truth. I don't care if they get upset by being told what we think of them, their agency, or their decisions. It no longer matters, there is nothing they can do that will hurt us any more than what they have already done. I guess you would call that progress. A progress that isn't pretty or one that I would have set as a goal for myself, yet it was progress that needed to be made. If only this progress would carry over to other areas of my life. I guess the jaded tough skin has to build in different areas of life at different times.
Looking forward to the next year I haven't set and resolutions or goals for the year. Those things easily get forgotten or lost in the shuffle. Each year brings new challenges, new experiences, new areas of struggle and growth, you can't foresee what the new year will bring, but you have to live through it. I know that this year will bring continued healing and moving through the grief process. Grief isn't something you can rush through, it isn't something that can be magically fixed, it is a process. Many people say it is a process that lasts your whole life, this is something I would believe. I also believe that it gets less intense over time. Unfortunately, the waiting is the hard part. I'm not a patient person, I never have been, and this is no different. I wish I could blink and be healed. I wish I could blink and a lot of things would happen. If only. I could spend hours on the "if only," but there is no point. There is only "what is," not "what could be." That is an acceptance I am not yet at. Maybe over this next year.
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