Running
I hate running. I have always hated running. I am NOT a runner. I will walk for miles, walk very quickly even, but running has never been my "thing." We bought a treadmill in the early part of 2015 and while it was cold we used it religiously. Then life got crazy. It sat in my living room taking up space. I wanted more space there and a less cluttered space, so it moved to the dining room. It has now been used for two weeks straight. The nice thing about the dining room is that no one is interrupted when using the treadmill there. People can still watch TV and play in the living room with out the annoying buzz of the treadmill.
I've always loved the idea of being a runner. The ability to pop in headphones and just go for miles on your own, pounding the pavement, alone with your thoughts. This takes WORK. For someone who has NEVER been good at running I looked for the most basic running program available. Walk five minutes, run 1 minute, walk three, repeat five times. This happens for one week. Then you increase to running two minutes and only walking two minutes in between. Again for a week. For many people they would see that and think, man that is easy, I could go run 10 minutes solid right now. Great for you! Not me, I can't do that. Running a minute straight was enough of a stretch for me. I hated every blessed second of it, but I did it. Then I did it again, and again, for a week.
As the end of the week came near I started increasing to a minute and a half just to see if I could do it. I could! Major progress for me. I'm doing two weeks on the 2 by 2 because my legs were still very sore and my breathing wasn't where it should be at the end of one week. I'm okay with this, I'm still doing it. I'm still pushing myself to run longer than I ever have in my adult life. I still do not love running. I don't "crave" running time, but I no longer dread it either. The time on the treadmill doesn't seem to take three hours to work out for 30 minutes, and goes by very quickly once I get past the first two "sets" of running.
One of the things I've learned about this grief process is that there isn't one area of your life it doesn't affect. Everything changes when you go through a traumatic event. Nothing can stay the same when everything that made life "normal" doesn't exist any more. The only way to make it through is to change. Because of the help of people around me and a good therapist, I've learned that changing for the good is the much better way to go. I could allow all of the negative thoughts and feelings to consume me and sit in a dark living room watching TV all day. Believe me there are days like that as well ! But what "good" does that do for me? Will it bring my son back? No. Will it get me through the grief process? No, it will just leave me in this process longer. Is it an option that people would understand? Absolutely. However it doesn't help me LIVE. You don't have a choice but to go on living.
I guess that is why I have taken to running. I don't like running, it isn't something I would ever choose for myself. I don't like my grief either, and would have never chosen to go through this path. I don't have a choice but to live through this pain, the only way to make is to do it. Running is the same thing, the only want to finish the race is to run. This is why I run.
I've always loved the idea of being a runner. The ability to pop in headphones and just go for miles on your own, pounding the pavement, alone with your thoughts. This takes WORK. For someone who has NEVER been good at running I looked for the most basic running program available. Walk five minutes, run 1 minute, walk three, repeat five times. This happens for one week. Then you increase to running two minutes and only walking two minutes in between. Again for a week. For many people they would see that and think, man that is easy, I could go run 10 minutes solid right now. Great for you! Not me, I can't do that. Running a minute straight was enough of a stretch for me. I hated every blessed second of it, but I did it. Then I did it again, and again, for a week.
As the end of the week came near I started increasing to a minute and a half just to see if I could do it. I could! Major progress for me. I'm doing two weeks on the 2 by 2 because my legs were still very sore and my breathing wasn't where it should be at the end of one week. I'm okay with this, I'm still doing it. I'm still pushing myself to run longer than I ever have in my adult life. I still do not love running. I don't "crave" running time, but I no longer dread it either. The time on the treadmill doesn't seem to take three hours to work out for 30 minutes, and goes by very quickly once I get past the first two "sets" of running.
One of the things I've learned about this grief process is that there isn't one area of your life it doesn't affect. Everything changes when you go through a traumatic event. Nothing can stay the same when everything that made life "normal" doesn't exist any more. The only way to make it through is to change. Because of the help of people around me and a good therapist, I've learned that changing for the good is the much better way to go. I could allow all of the negative thoughts and feelings to consume me and sit in a dark living room watching TV all day. Believe me there are days like that as well ! But what "good" does that do for me? Will it bring my son back? No. Will it get me through the grief process? No, it will just leave me in this process longer. Is it an option that people would understand? Absolutely. However it doesn't help me LIVE. You don't have a choice but to go on living.
I guess that is why I have taken to running. I don't like running, it isn't something I would ever choose for myself. I don't like my grief either, and would have never chosen to go through this path. I don't have a choice but to live through this pain, the only way to make is to do it. Running is the same thing, the only want to finish the race is to run. This is why I run.
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