I know you're lyin' 'cause your lips are movin'.
We've been in the whirlwind of foster care for about 2 years now. Foster care never ceases to amaze me. The laws don't make sense, the policies are out dated, the kids are stuck in limbo, the agencies are over booked and under staffed. It truly is a nightmare. Yet we press on. We do it for the kids. And everyday we pray that our children find permanency.
I've realized over the last 3 months that this time around in foster care is very different from our first experience. I feel like we are in the "traditional throws" of care. You hear a lot in the foster care community about push back behaviors from kids in care. Obviously with having a new born we never had to worry about that the first time through. This time we have classic "foster kid" behavior response. Our number one pushback behavior...LYING!
All was going well for the first month, great manners, great behaviors, following directions, perfection. And then... the COMFORT came. Let's be honest it's a good thing kids feel "at home" where they live. But this is where the real work and real love comes in. As the comfort grew the true personality started to come out. Again, not a bad thing, however some of the behaviors that come with it are less than desirable. Our little girl lies. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. About EVERYTHING! It is incredibly frustrating. Small things, insignificant things, dumb things, but yes even big things.
All kids lie. All kids go through phases where the lying is more prominent than other times. However, this is more than a normal kid behavior. This is a learned product of her environment. Sometimes I honestly don't know if she 1. even realizes she's doing it and 2. knows the differences between the truth and a lie. Usually kids lie to keep from getting into trouble. But in our case the lies had nothing to do with getting in trouble at all. They started off as so insignificant we didn't even realize what was happening. Not to mention that when you actually know NOTHING about a child's past it's hard to discern certain little things anyway. But soon they became more prominent, to the point where we were seeing multiple lies a day. At first we thought it was all a testing of the boundaries. Seeing how far one could push. Learning the limits of the new environment. Then we realized it was an ingrained dangerous behavior. They say when a person is lying their eye sight shifts to a certain direction slowly or their forehead crinkles just a bit. That you can tell by a difference in their speech pattern. This child will look you dead in the eye with no changes in anything and lie right to your face. Even when confronted about the lies there is no remorse. Oh there is fake crying sometimes, but it gets turned on and off depending on what she can get from it!
I get extremely frustrated with the lying. Nothing seems to make me more angry than when we both know what she did and she lies about it anyway. It's slow progress. There is progress, but man it's slow going. No iPad, no Princess movies, no dress-up toys, no barbies. Writing lists of why it is bad to lie. Explaining to us why it is bad to lie. Talking about strategies to prevent lying. We've done it all. But at the end of the day it's just about consistency and reenforcement. I will say things have gotten better. Lies seem to only creep up and rear their ugly heads right after a visit with parents. Then for the next day or two they fizzle their way out. Which leads us all to believe that they are a form of regression, like the baby talk was, more than something she does on "purpose." See how complicated this issue can get?
Yesterday we even found something broken and she "fessed" right up to it. So there is progress. The problem though still remains. We can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. And in our situation, HER situation, that's dangerous! Therapy will be starting soon and I am praying they have a magical fix. But honestly, I think it's just going to take time and hard lessons. Nothing worth doing comes easy right? Parenting is a bear in and of itself. We aren't looking to give up, but I am looking for a breakthrough! The new Megan Trainor song couldn't have released at a better time! I honestly feel like we are living her song every day in our house. The difference though, is it's not some cute and catchy playful tune, for us it's real life and it's dangerous. One day we will see an end to these behaviors. Until then, "I know you're lying' 'cause your lips are moving' tell me do you think I'm dumb?"
I've realized over the last 3 months that this time around in foster care is very different from our first experience. I feel like we are in the "traditional throws" of care. You hear a lot in the foster care community about push back behaviors from kids in care. Obviously with having a new born we never had to worry about that the first time through. This time we have classic "foster kid" behavior response. Our number one pushback behavior...LYING!
All was going well for the first month, great manners, great behaviors, following directions, perfection. And then... the COMFORT came. Let's be honest it's a good thing kids feel "at home" where they live. But this is where the real work and real love comes in. As the comfort grew the true personality started to come out. Again, not a bad thing, however some of the behaviors that come with it are less than desirable. Our little girl lies. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. About EVERYTHING! It is incredibly frustrating. Small things, insignificant things, dumb things, but yes even big things.
All kids lie. All kids go through phases where the lying is more prominent than other times. However, this is more than a normal kid behavior. This is a learned product of her environment. Sometimes I honestly don't know if she 1. even realizes she's doing it and 2. knows the differences between the truth and a lie. Usually kids lie to keep from getting into trouble. But in our case the lies had nothing to do with getting in trouble at all. They started off as so insignificant we didn't even realize what was happening. Not to mention that when you actually know NOTHING about a child's past it's hard to discern certain little things anyway. But soon they became more prominent, to the point where we were seeing multiple lies a day. At first we thought it was all a testing of the boundaries. Seeing how far one could push. Learning the limits of the new environment. Then we realized it was an ingrained dangerous behavior. They say when a person is lying their eye sight shifts to a certain direction slowly or their forehead crinkles just a bit. That you can tell by a difference in their speech pattern. This child will look you dead in the eye with no changes in anything and lie right to your face. Even when confronted about the lies there is no remorse. Oh there is fake crying sometimes, but it gets turned on and off depending on what she can get from it!
I get extremely frustrated with the lying. Nothing seems to make me more angry than when we both know what she did and she lies about it anyway. It's slow progress. There is progress, but man it's slow going. No iPad, no Princess movies, no dress-up toys, no barbies. Writing lists of why it is bad to lie. Explaining to us why it is bad to lie. Talking about strategies to prevent lying. We've done it all. But at the end of the day it's just about consistency and reenforcement. I will say things have gotten better. Lies seem to only creep up and rear their ugly heads right after a visit with parents. Then for the next day or two they fizzle their way out. Which leads us all to believe that they are a form of regression, like the baby talk was, more than something she does on "purpose." See how complicated this issue can get?
Yesterday we even found something broken and she "fessed" right up to it. So there is progress. The problem though still remains. We can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth. And in our situation, HER situation, that's dangerous! Therapy will be starting soon and I am praying they have a magical fix. But honestly, I think it's just going to take time and hard lessons. Nothing worth doing comes easy right? Parenting is a bear in and of itself. We aren't looking to give up, but I am looking for a breakthrough! The new Megan Trainor song couldn't have released at a better time! I honestly feel like we are living her song every day in our house. The difference though, is it's not some cute and catchy playful tune, for us it's real life and it's dangerous. One day we will see an end to these behaviors. Until then, "I know you're lying' 'cause your lips are moving' tell me do you think I'm dumb?"
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