Unsettled

They say nothing is settled until it's written down. Never believe anything unless you have it in writing. I often feel that things roll around in my head and cannot be verbalized until I write them down. Sometimes I don't even know what I am going to say, but I know that I need to write. Writing gives the outlet needed for reflection and processing. Writing allows your thoughts to flow without anyone interrupting you, without anyone judging you, without you watching the facial features and body language of those around you. Just you and your computer, allowing your thoughts to flow.

There are many things unsettled in my life right now. I feel like we have been living in a long term limbo for a number of years, but it's more than that. There are many changes on the horizon for Tony and I. Some good, some questionable, some exciting, some terrifying. Ultimately, I am not a fan of change. {I've even written a post about it before. :)} Good or bad, it brings me anxiety. However, change is necessary for growth. Growth is often painful or comes from pain, but yet is necessary for survival. Change is the only constant and yet, in my 30 years (YIKES) of living, I'm not used to it.

I feel like there is so much turmoil in our life right now. Things beyond our control that we are dealing with, issues that have nothing to do with us personally but are impacting friends and family, issues that we can't fix or make better, but still care about, and issues that we must personally deal with. All of it leads to a heart full of emotions and minds full of thoughts. Thank the Lord for good friends, a supportive "village," and lots of good conversations. Throw in a few games of uno and it's a down right party at our house most nights. ;)

I have always had an innate need to control things. One would think that I would have learned by now that trying to control things only leads to more stress. However, that is a lesson I am still learning. It is liberating to let go of controlling of things, but it is also extremely scary. I have such a go-getter personality and strong leadership qualities that I often take over things without realizing it. I firmly believe that these are God-given gifts and talents, but I also believe I have to control them so that they don't control me. "Everything in moderation." "Time and place." "Pick your battles." Blah Blah Blah. Yet, through those cliched mantras there is a thread of truth. "I am one person and I cannot do it all and there is liberation in that." Yet, there is also grief that I cannot fix the world's problems, and frustration that I cannot make each situation I touch better. However, I need to understand my limitations and set boundaries or I will go mad. (Setting boundaries could be a whole blog series!)

So, while many things are unsettled, and many things remain unclear, I know that ultimately, I will survive. After all, surviving is what I do best.




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