Turning 30
Turning 30 has been a really difficult endeavor for me. Since turning 29 last year I have been DREADING turning 30. For an entire year I have struggled with this milestone. When asked why I was dreading it, I initially couldn't tell you, however, after really thinking about it, it came down to a few key concepts.
1. Old, turning 30 felt old, too adult, too far away from what I felt I was. No longer hearing"oh you're so young to be where you are." Once turning 30 you are fully considered an adult.
2. Lack of achievement. For me there were many things I felt I had/have left to achieve, and doing it after 30 seems "less" somehow than doing it before hitting 30.
3. Unmet expectations. I "knew" that by the time I turned 30 our life would look and be a certain way. However, that was not the case.
As 30 grew closer and closer there seemed to be more and more and more that I didn't have, hadn't done, and dreams left unfulfilled. Time doesn't stop, however, you can certainly try to ignore its forward momentum. Yet, at some point, you realize you must face the music. For me, I was lucky enough to accept and move on with this milestone before it happened so that it could truly be celebrated. Not everyone has that luxury.
The last six months have been a very interesting time for me. I've worked really hard on healing my body, changing my mindset, and moving on with building a life I love. It is amazing to me how much the loss of a child truly shapes and changes you. I realized through this journey that for the last 6.5 years I have been constantly WAITING for the next big thing to happen.
A list of things (not all inclusive by any means) that have been waited on:
Six years is a long time to wait and it's a long time to hold on to hope for something you have seen fail again, and again, and again. But six years ago if you asked me where I would be by my 30th birthday, I would have NEVER guessed here. Never that the process of building our family, and "starting" our life would still be going on. For me 30 represented so much more than turning a year older, for me, it was a milestone in which life would be "complete." Realizing a year ago when turning 29 that this would not be the case, well, you can imagine how heartbreaking that realization is. Hence the reason I DREADED this day coming.
And then, about three to four months ago my mindset started to change. This didn't happen overnight and I'm still a little iffy about this birthday, but, I started to accept it. Not because I was okay with not being where I want to be, but because I started to realize that in my 30 years I have experienced more than some people do in an entire lifetime. These experiences have made me who I am and created an indestructible spirit in me that is a force to be reckoned with. Many people say they feel they are wasting their lives or feel unfulfilled in their life, I don't have those regrets. I know that if my life ended at 30 it wouldn't have been wasted, people would remember me, and that my impact would reach beyond the four walls of my house. I have connected with and impacted so many people. While this may sound "braggy" or boastful, it is not meant to be that way. This impact absolutely comes with painful consequences in many cases. You cannot love and care deeply, giving your life away to the "least of these" without also experiencing the painful hurt that accompanies those emotions.
A list of a few experiences absolutely not all inclusive nor in any particular order:
So while, saying, "I am 30 years old," still comes with a twinge of pain and disbelief, I know that I am incredibly blessed to have experienced and accomplished all that I have. Many people have told me that their 30's were their best decade, and that for me my 30's will hold many promising moments. I hope they are right, I am excited to experience many new things this decade. I am ready to face whatever this next year has for me, because ultimately, being 30, is what you make of it.
~~Felicia
1. Old, turning 30 felt old, too adult, too far away from what I felt I was. No longer hearing"oh you're so young to be where you are." Once turning 30 you are fully considered an adult.
2. Lack of achievement. For me there were many things I felt I had/have left to achieve, and doing it after 30 seems "less" somehow than doing it before hitting 30.
3. Unmet expectations. I "knew" that by the time I turned 30 our life would look and be a certain way. However, that was not the case.
As 30 grew closer and closer there seemed to be more and more and more that I didn't have, hadn't done, and dreams left unfulfilled. Time doesn't stop, however, you can certainly try to ignore its forward momentum. Yet, at some point, you realize you must face the music. For me, I was lucky enough to accept and move on with this milestone before it happened so that it could truly be celebrated. Not everyone has that luxury.
The last six months have been a very interesting time for me. I've worked really hard on healing my body, changing my mindset, and moving on with building a life I love. It is amazing to me how much the loss of a child truly shapes and changes you. I realized through this journey that for the last 6.5 years I have been constantly WAITING for the next big thing to happen.
A list of things (not all inclusive by any means) that have been waited on:
- pregnancy tests,
- day 21 tests,
- clomid cycles,
- fertility treatments,
- fertility testing results,
- home studies,
- foster care placements,
- court dates,
- court decisions,
- social worker visits,
- biological family visits,
- court dates, court dates, court dates,
- return home process,
- return home date,
- transition processes,
- adoptive home studies,
- background checks,
- profile creation,
- video creation,
- licensing renewal,
- and waiting, waiting, waiting, to be matched.
Six years is a long time to wait and it's a long time to hold on to hope for something you have seen fail again, and again, and again. But six years ago if you asked me where I would be by my 30th birthday, I would have NEVER guessed here. Never that the process of building our family, and "starting" our life would still be going on. For me 30 represented so much more than turning a year older, for me, it was a milestone in which life would be "complete." Realizing a year ago when turning 29 that this would not be the case, well, you can imagine how heartbreaking that realization is. Hence the reason I DREADED this day coming.
And then, about three to four months ago my mindset started to change. This didn't happen overnight and I'm still a little iffy about this birthday, but, I started to accept it. Not because I was okay with not being where I want to be, but because I started to realize that in my 30 years I have experienced more than some people do in an entire lifetime. These experiences have made me who I am and created an indestructible spirit in me that is a force to be reckoned with. Many people say they feel they are wasting their lives or feel unfulfilled in their life, I don't have those regrets. I know that if my life ended at 30 it wouldn't have been wasted, people would remember me, and that my impact would reach beyond the four walls of my house. I have connected with and impacted so many people. While this may sound "braggy" or boastful, it is not meant to be that way. This impact absolutely comes with painful consequences in many cases. You cannot love and care deeply, giving your life away to the "least of these" without also experiencing the painful hurt that accompanies those emotions.
A list of a few experiences absolutely not all inclusive nor in any particular order:
- I have been blessed to love a little boy so deeply that my heart was fully on the outside of my body. Hence the reason my heart was ripped from my body on the day we said goodbye to him. It is amazing how many memories you can fit into two and a half years, how much love, fun, and hope you can have, when you give your life away to a child with reckless abandon. How much love you can give and get is completely immeasurable, something I am convinced some people will never have the gift of experiencing. It is also amazing how resilient the human heart, mind, body, and soul are, when faced with a tragic loss beyond your control. I have survived something most people will never understand or experience in their lives, and something no parent should ever have to go through. All before I was 30.
- I have been blessed to love a little girl who was always meant for another family. To love, protect, fight for, and shape her for two years of her life. To watch her change and evolve for the better right in front of our eyes. To see her now, so totally enthralled with her forever family. I am blessed weekly to see updates, progress, and pictures of her with her new family. Tony and I have gained a great "extra" family through her forever family that we would not have experienced had we not "taken a chance" on this foster care thing. I am amazed that our two years together have impacted her for the better, prepared her to live with her beautiful family, and allowed her to morph into the child she is today. I am humbled every time her momma reaches out to me to share a piece of their lives with us. It is amazing to see the impact of your life when you are willing to give it away. All of this, before I was 30.
- I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in elementary education from Olivet Nazarene University, went back to school to gain my special education certification, then earned a Master's Degree in Autism Spectrum Disorder as an ASD Specialist from Grand Canyon University. All before I was 30.
- I've taught in three different schools, across eight different grade levels, teaching over 350 children, for eight years, impacting them, hopefully, for the better, all before I was 30.
- I married a wonderful man who puts up with way more from me than he should and continues to love me more everyday. We have been through more than most married couples will experience in their entire relationship together, and came out on the other side stronger. It is as if we have survived a war that no one else could see and only had each other to rely on. We continue to love, dream, grow, and change, yet still fall more madly and more deeply in love. I am forever blessed to have found him, all before I was 30.
- I have been lucky enough to have a best friend who has seen me at my darkest and worst moments and who continued to love me. Someone who walked through the darkest days of my life with me, and stayed around for more. Someone who went with me on the day I said goodbye forever to my son and never once asked for anything in return. I have been privileged to become a pseudo auntie to her boys, partake in late night hot tub conversations, privileged to hear about dreams, desires, hopes, and frustrations, humbled to be allowed into the most sacred spaces of her life, and blessed beyond measure to have someone as wonderful as she is to consider me her "favorite person not living in her house." All before I was 30.
- The things I have done, the things I have accomplished, the experiences I have been through are many. They are big, vast, painful, wonderful, and truly unique to my life. I could list things for days before creating an all inclusive list, and even then probably wouldn't have mentioned every experience or every person who has shaped me. However, I have been blessed to "show up" to my life and be an active participate in it, all before I turned 30.
So while, saying, "I am 30 years old," still comes with a twinge of pain and disbelief, I know that I am incredibly blessed to have experienced and accomplished all that I have. Many people have told me that their 30's were their best decade, and that for me my 30's will hold many promising moments. I hope they are right, I am excited to experience many new things this decade. I am ready to face whatever this next year has for me, because ultimately, being 30, is what you make of it.
~~Felicia
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