Too busy
Have you ever felt like life was spinning out of control? Like your days, nights, and moments, are going faster and faster, yet you have no say in how things are happening? That has been my last two weeks. I remember before starting this time period I already felt extremely overwhelmed. I HATE when we have something on our calendar multiple nights in a row. There is something about staying home and doing "nothing" that fuels my soul so much. I used to be one that loved to go go go, but these days I long to stay home. Don't get me wrong, I also love going out, spending time with family and friends and creating new memories, but there is something so healing about being home in a quiet house. (Well not quiet exactly, we do have two small dogs who feel the need to defend us against every dog, squirrel, rabbit, and person that crosses in front of our house.)
These last two weeks have been filled to the brim with obligations, both self-inflicted and required by jobs, house guests, meetings, and appointments. I am exhausted and overwhelmed and worn out. As someone who lives with generalized anxiety disorder or GAD, stretches of time like this cause me to become increasingly on edge until I can no longer deal. While this may sound dramatic to some, those of you who have to deal with this yourselves know exactly what I mean. Couple the busyness and GAD with the anniversary of when we said goodbye to our son for the last time, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I needed to say "no" more than I did. But often the problem is all of the things I have said yes to are really good things, things I want to do. Some are things I simply could not say no to because they are requirements of my employment. Others are family obligations that must be taken care of, and still others are things that were scheduled before I realized how crazy life was going to be and felt bad canceling. But the truth still remains, it was entirely too much. I'm now suffering for it.
I normally have a really good handle on my anxiety. I have learned so many skills that allow me to recognize triggers, calm myself down in stressful situations, and stop panic attacks before they begin to rear their ugly head. BUT, when I get tired, (and I wasn't sleeping well) I can't do any of those things. I can't manage, I can't control, I can't stop the panic that rears its ugly face inside of my head. That's where I am this weekend. Unable to deal.
My body and brain have this wonderful survival quality that allows me to function normally, even better and sharper, during insanely stressful times without any side effects. However, once life is calm, once I'm in a "safe space," once life slows down and my body realizes the worst is over, WHOOSH all of the pent up emotions, hormones, and anxiety are fully unleashed as if a major flood gate has broken. It all comes rushing like wild waves with no warning and no way to stop it.
That's when I wake up in the middle of the night convinced I am going to die. That is when I go days on end barely eating because my stomach is so messed up from the chemicals flowing through my gut that I can barely stand to look at food without wanting to puke. Those are the days I feel like I will not possibly be able to make it through the next hours without something horrible and terrible happening to me, but never being able to lay a finger on what that may be. That's when I can't leave my house without HOURS of talking myself into it. I can't put certain clothes on my body because of the way they feel and my skin can't take it because my brain can't possible process one more negative sensory input. When I will sob without warning, have horrible stomach pain that I am convinced will never end, will be unable to focus because of extreme headaches, all of these things happen, often simultaneously, with no relief in sight.
When I've allowed myself to run on high for so long without rest, relaxation, or calm, this happens to my body. I then enter a battle in my mind between rational and irrational, between self-love and self-loathing, between survival and surrender, and it's exhausting. I am extremely grateful for modern medicine and doctors who understand that there are times when therapy and skills cannot combat the anxiety that rages within. I am grateful I accepted the help.
Why do I write about this? Do I want your sympathy or pity or well wishes. No. That's not the intent of this blog. What I do want people to know is that anxiety is real. It is not always easy to see, in fact I'm REALLY good at hiding it in front of other people. I NEVER want to be seen as weak or unable to do something because of my anxiety. My GAD does not define me, but it is a part of me. No, I write this because I want people to know it's okay to struggle. I want people to realize that just because I have an anxiety disorder does not mean that I am less than, that I have no faith, or that something is inherently "wrong" with me. Instead, I hope that people will look at me, realize that I have GAD and see how incredibly important it is to open up the dialogue about mental health. I want people to know that they CAN survive and thrive with a mental health issue. I want people to know that my faith does not cancel out my anxiety disorder and my anxiety disorder does not cancel out my faith. That it is 100% entirely possible to have both of those things coexist within you.
More than anything this post is a reminder to me that while I am really good most days at controlling things, I still need practice in saying no. I have learned so much, I have so many skills, but I am not a superhero and I need to take care of myself. It's also a reminder of how hard I work and why I need to be proud of how much I have accomplished in my life, because a part of my brain always fights against me. It's a way to say I am not super woman, and that is perfectly ok.
These last two weeks have been filled to the brim with obligations, both self-inflicted and required by jobs, house guests, meetings, and appointments. I am exhausted and overwhelmed and worn out. As someone who lives with generalized anxiety disorder or GAD, stretches of time like this cause me to become increasingly on edge until I can no longer deal. While this may sound dramatic to some, those of you who have to deal with this yourselves know exactly what I mean. Couple the busyness and GAD with the anniversary of when we said goodbye to our son for the last time, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I needed to say "no" more than I did. But often the problem is all of the things I have said yes to are really good things, things I want to do. Some are things I simply could not say no to because they are requirements of my employment. Others are family obligations that must be taken care of, and still others are things that were scheduled before I realized how crazy life was going to be and felt bad canceling. But the truth still remains, it was entirely too much. I'm now suffering for it.
I normally have a really good handle on my anxiety. I have learned so many skills that allow me to recognize triggers, calm myself down in stressful situations, and stop panic attacks before they begin to rear their ugly head. BUT, when I get tired, (and I wasn't sleeping well) I can't do any of those things. I can't manage, I can't control, I can't stop the panic that rears its ugly face inside of my head. That's where I am this weekend. Unable to deal.
My body and brain have this wonderful survival quality that allows me to function normally, even better and sharper, during insanely stressful times without any side effects. However, once life is calm, once I'm in a "safe space," once life slows down and my body realizes the worst is over, WHOOSH all of the pent up emotions, hormones, and anxiety are fully unleashed as if a major flood gate has broken. It all comes rushing like wild waves with no warning and no way to stop it.
That's when I wake up in the middle of the night convinced I am going to die. That is when I go days on end barely eating because my stomach is so messed up from the chemicals flowing through my gut that I can barely stand to look at food without wanting to puke. Those are the days I feel like I will not possibly be able to make it through the next hours without something horrible and terrible happening to me, but never being able to lay a finger on what that may be. That's when I can't leave my house without HOURS of talking myself into it. I can't put certain clothes on my body because of the way they feel and my skin can't take it because my brain can't possible process one more negative sensory input. When I will sob without warning, have horrible stomach pain that I am convinced will never end, will be unable to focus because of extreme headaches, all of these things happen, often simultaneously, with no relief in sight.
When I've allowed myself to run on high for so long without rest, relaxation, or calm, this happens to my body. I then enter a battle in my mind between rational and irrational, between self-love and self-loathing, between survival and surrender, and it's exhausting. I am extremely grateful for modern medicine and doctors who understand that there are times when therapy and skills cannot combat the anxiety that rages within. I am grateful I accepted the help.
Why do I write about this? Do I want your sympathy or pity or well wishes. No. That's not the intent of this blog. What I do want people to know is that anxiety is real. It is not always easy to see, in fact I'm REALLY good at hiding it in front of other people. I NEVER want to be seen as weak or unable to do something because of my anxiety. My GAD does not define me, but it is a part of me. No, I write this because I want people to know it's okay to struggle. I want people to realize that just because I have an anxiety disorder does not mean that I am less than, that I have no faith, or that something is inherently "wrong" with me. Instead, I hope that people will look at me, realize that I have GAD and see how incredibly important it is to open up the dialogue about mental health. I want people to know that they CAN survive and thrive with a mental health issue. I want people to know that my faith does not cancel out my anxiety disorder and my anxiety disorder does not cancel out my faith. That it is 100% entirely possible to have both of those things coexist within you.
More than anything this post is a reminder to me that while I am really good most days at controlling things, I still need practice in saying no. I have learned so much, I have so many skills, but I am not a superhero and I need to take care of myself. It's also a reminder of how hard I work and why I need to be proud of how much I have accomplished in my life, because a part of my brain always fights against me. It's a way to say I am not super woman, and that is perfectly ok.
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