Ready to start again
Time. Time is a funning thing. There is never enough, we always need more, it passes by quickly, it passes by slowly, it never seems to move, and yet it is gone. That is what time is. It never stops, never changes, never speeds up or slows down. Before you know it time has passed.
They say you will never know when you are ready for something until you are ready. I used to think that we would never be ready to bring another child into our home. I would never want to "replace" our son. Through this grief process and grief therapy we have learned that it is simply impossible to do that. It was through this realization that Tony and I realized we would be okay starting again. This does not mean that we are "over" losing our son, that we are healed from the process. This is not true, in fact yesterday I was in the state capitol and passed the head DCFS office and another teacher friend had to hold me back and pull me forward. Grief is a long process, on average two years. I am okay with that. Every holiday is hard, every first time he isn't here for something is hard, random days and moments are hard. It's ok that it is hard, that means we loved, we lost, we are healing, we remember him. It does not mean that we should stop our lives, bury our feelings, or wait until we are perfectly healed (as if that's possible) to keep going with our lives.
One thing we know for certain, we want children in our family. We want to be parents, to have children, to go through all of the things parents and children go through. We've been through the foster care monster, we've done the state's way of things. We quit. The system is so broken. Working from the inside for three years we have learned so many horrible things about how the system is working for the benefit of, not the children, but of those who right's do not deserve to be represented. We are tired of the fight, we are jaded by the system, we are ready to move away from such a negative force in our lives. Yet we want children. Where does this leave us?
Adoption. This is our option, the solution to our desires. We have come a long way around to this decision. We have ALWAYS wanted to adopt, the long way around was the HOW. We have come to realize that private domestic adoption is what we want, and it is the only way we will not have to say "good bye." We have been researching, looking at agencies, applying for approval, conference calling, and thinking, thinking, thinking. We believe we have found an agency that is reputable, reliable, responsible, and overall has the best interest of birth moms and adoptive families in mind.
What a change from what we are used to. We looked for agencies that would accept our current home-study, this saves us money and puts us a step closer to our goal. We also looked at agencies that are not for profit, we don't believes babies should be a business. And finally we looked for an agency that was willing to talk, answer questions, and get to know us before asking for a large monetary down payment. You would be shocked how hard it is to find this.
We have found one that has been so kind and respectful to us and continues to pursue us as if we are important to them and they want us to be a part of their community. What a difference! I love that they WANT to know what we want and do not try and talk us into things that THEY want us to do. They have never once made us feel bad for saying no we are not interested in this type of program, or this type of situation, or yes we want to be able to go this route. Not being guilt tripped into something is such a wonderful experience.
The other thing we really like about them is how they treat birth moms. When women come to them interested in finding an adoptive family they don't treat them like a commodity. They give them counseling, help them find a place to stay, give them clothing, food for proper nutrition, help them get to medical appointments, and assign a worker to that birth mom to help her feel supportive, loved, and cared for. This means a lot to us. Because of the way they work with birth moms they currently have 300 expecting mother that are placing children with adoptive families, this is their monthly average of birth moms. Their average wait time for a placement is 6-18 months, this is very low in the adoption world.
The other thing we love about them is that they have a presence in every state and have worked with all states to finalize adoptions. They also have attorneys in every state that know the law and help you finalize your adoption. We were very impressed.
Like all adoptions there is a hefty price tag. This agency is on the lower end and sits at $19,000 for adoption costs. If we go through the process, get matched, plan on bringing a baby home, and the birth mom changes her mind and wants to parent, we do not have to start over or pay anything more to the agency for them to start over for us. This is also not the norm in the world of adoption.
So now we start planning to save, make, and raise the $19,000 we need to bring a child into our home. It is a big number and seems very overwhelming. We are looking at fundraising options, applying for grants, and redoing our budget to, as one of my friends says, "live like poor people," until we can raise the money we need.
It will be a long journey on this long road we are already on, but we have to start somewhere! Time will keep moving, but for us we plan on using it wisely.
They say you will never know when you are ready for something until you are ready. I used to think that we would never be ready to bring another child into our home. I would never want to "replace" our son. Through this grief process and grief therapy we have learned that it is simply impossible to do that. It was through this realization that Tony and I realized we would be okay starting again. This does not mean that we are "over" losing our son, that we are healed from the process. This is not true, in fact yesterday I was in the state capitol and passed the head DCFS office and another teacher friend had to hold me back and pull me forward. Grief is a long process, on average two years. I am okay with that. Every holiday is hard, every first time he isn't here for something is hard, random days and moments are hard. It's ok that it is hard, that means we loved, we lost, we are healing, we remember him. It does not mean that we should stop our lives, bury our feelings, or wait until we are perfectly healed (as if that's possible) to keep going with our lives.
One thing we know for certain, we want children in our family. We want to be parents, to have children, to go through all of the things parents and children go through. We've been through the foster care monster, we've done the state's way of things. We quit. The system is so broken. Working from the inside for three years we have learned so many horrible things about how the system is working for the benefit of, not the children, but of those who right's do not deserve to be represented. We are tired of the fight, we are jaded by the system, we are ready to move away from such a negative force in our lives. Yet we want children. Where does this leave us?
Adoption. This is our option, the solution to our desires. We have come a long way around to this decision. We have ALWAYS wanted to adopt, the long way around was the HOW. We have come to realize that private domestic adoption is what we want, and it is the only way we will not have to say "good bye." We have been researching, looking at agencies, applying for approval, conference calling, and thinking, thinking, thinking. We believe we have found an agency that is reputable, reliable, responsible, and overall has the best interest of birth moms and adoptive families in mind.
What a change from what we are used to. We looked for agencies that would accept our current home-study, this saves us money and puts us a step closer to our goal. We also looked at agencies that are not for profit, we don't believes babies should be a business. And finally we looked for an agency that was willing to talk, answer questions, and get to know us before asking for a large monetary down payment. You would be shocked how hard it is to find this.
We have found one that has been so kind and respectful to us and continues to pursue us as if we are important to them and they want us to be a part of their community. What a difference! I love that they WANT to know what we want and do not try and talk us into things that THEY want us to do. They have never once made us feel bad for saying no we are not interested in this type of program, or this type of situation, or yes we want to be able to go this route. Not being guilt tripped into something is such a wonderful experience.
The other thing we really like about them is how they treat birth moms. When women come to them interested in finding an adoptive family they don't treat them like a commodity. They give them counseling, help them find a place to stay, give them clothing, food for proper nutrition, help them get to medical appointments, and assign a worker to that birth mom to help her feel supportive, loved, and cared for. This means a lot to us. Because of the way they work with birth moms they currently have 300 expecting mother that are placing children with adoptive families, this is their monthly average of birth moms. Their average wait time for a placement is 6-18 months, this is very low in the adoption world.
The other thing we love about them is that they have a presence in every state and have worked with all states to finalize adoptions. They also have attorneys in every state that know the law and help you finalize your adoption. We were very impressed.
Like all adoptions there is a hefty price tag. This agency is on the lower end and sits at $19,000 for adoption costs. If we go through the process, get matched, plan on bringing a baby home, and the birth mom changes her mind and wants to parent, we do not have to start over or pay anything more to the agency for them to start over for us. This is also not the norm in the world of adoption.
So now we start planning to save, make, and raise the $19,000 we need to bring a child into our home. It is a big number and seems very overwhelming. We are looking at fundraising options, applying for grants, and redoing our budget to, as one of my friends says, "live like poor people," until we can raise the money we need.
It will be a long journey on this long road we are already on, but we have to start somewhere! Time will keep moving, but for us we plan on using it wisely.
Big goal, but you've got a team on your side! :)
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