Swipe your card... Get a kid (Warning: This is a raw emotional one!)
We're all finished! Everything done, all of the paper work is in, all major inspections complete. The initial process is over. So now what? Now, we wait. We knew it would eventually get to this point, but it's rather anticlimactic.
Our final class was yesterday and it was all about "Educational Advocacy." I could of taught the class in my sleep. All about how schools work, what an IEP is, how a 504 plan works, what is RTI and No Child Left Behind... On and on, it was much like my entry level education classes. At one point our instructor looked at me and said, would you just explain RTI because I'm sure you can do a better and quicker job than I can. It was my pleasure. It's hard to sit and listen to someone who doesn't work in your field explain how things in your field work. (Albeit quite entertaining to hear someone else's perspective on the education system.)
Our class had to be held at the public library in La Salle because the Center was having plumbing issues. As our class was wrapping up another couple said, so what now? Can we just swipe our magic license and take a kid home with us? To which my husband replied, well we are at a library can't we just do a kid check out? Everyone in the class had a good laugh, but we were all in agreement that it felt like okay, we're done, bring on the kids! While I know that this waiting time will be one of the tougher parts of the journey I am still certain that God has not left us alone. He is working behind the scenes on overdrive I am sure. He would not have taken us this far this quickly to leave us alone and in the dark. While I would have loved to get a call already today, I know that HIS timing is perfect!
We don't know when we will get a phone call, but our trainer seems to think that it will at least be within the next two months. Two months! That feels like an eternity of waiting for a phone call, like sitting and watching water boil...Now many people have said "well that's sooner than a nine month pregnancy." Well yes it is, but for us the placement is just the beginning.
At the end of nine months you get a baby and life moves on, for the most part. For us our lives may well be in limbo for years. Also during a pregnancy you know what you are getting. One baby, (possibly more, on the off chance of twins or even triplets) gender, approximate due date, and oh yeah, age, new born. For us we have no idea about ages, numbers of kids, emotional problems, physical problems, life situations, family baggage, and the list goes on.
While we signed up for this, and know that this is all part of the process it tends to bother me a bit when people "write off" this process as "easy" and say "that's no time at all." While I understand that most of the time people simply don't have a clue about this process, or simply don't know what to say, it still bothers me more than it should. Don't get me wrong, we have a great support system and no one has ever said anything meant to hurt us. But it's like everything else, unless you have lived it, or are living it, you don't fully understand it.
Our licensing agent ticked me off to the max during our last home visit. She sat across the table from us and wanted to "make sure we had really gotten over the whole infertility thing." EXCUSE ME?! Lady you have three kids at home and have admitted you have no idea what it's like to go through any of this, so while I understand your concern for the kids placed in our care, get a grip! I know that she didn't mean anything mean or rude by it, and overall we have had a great experience with her, but in that moment I was like "you have no idea where we are coming from." Quite honestly I wanted to unleash on her, but I was professional and firm and assured her we would be the best parents we could be to the children placed in our care and wouldn't "take out our emotions" on them. I yi yi!
Something else that kills me, is that people think we have just fallen off of Mars when it comes to caring for children. Hello!!! I work with children on a DAILY basis, I have a DEGREE in it. And while I understand that teaching is very different than parenting, I also do not know any parent that has it all together. And honestly I could tell some parents more about how a child grows and develops emotionally, physically, and mentally because I am a teacher than they could simply because they give birth to a kid! (I warned you this was an emotional one!)
Here's another thing. The children we get into our home won't be like the ones people bring home from the hospital. Ours will have a LOOOOONG list of baggage that goes with them. So what works for your two year old will most definitely not work for the two year old that comes into our home that knows more curse words than your average junior high student! I get it, everyone wants to help, everyone wants to be a part of this journey, but there are times when I just have no words to describe how wrong people are in their assumptions. Part of starting this blog was to let people in on the truth of the journey, well part of the truth is not always sunshine and roses. So this is an ugly part.
While adoption is getting a lot of buzz time in our culture, it's not the easy beautiful process that our society seems to paint it as. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but there is a lot of ugly that comes with it. People have to realize, especially in our case, that there is some really dark crap that accompanies these kids. It's not like DCFS takes someone's kids away simply because their house isn't clean. It's also not like these kids come out unscathed. There is a lot of damage that can already be done at a very young age. While we are ready for the fight and know what to expect, I think most people glorify what we do as saving a child's life and that's that.
Let me tell you something. These children will LOVE their biological parents, no matter how "bad" they may be. These children, if they are old enough to understand, will WANT to go back home, at least initially. Yes, eventually bonds will be formed, and hopefully our situation leads to adoption, but there is a lot of darkness that has to be maneuvered through first.
We HAVE to maintain a "good" relationship with birth families. One, because the state requires it, and two because honestly, it's what's best for our kids. Ultimately every kid will want to go home, even if just to see what it was, or where they came from. Their birth parents love them, even though it may be very twisted and confusing. The kids also need to see that adults, that they love, in their very complicated lives can get along well. They can't come to us and forget their whole past, and we can't either. We can only come to terms with it.
While people try to talk us out of this thinking, or talk "around" this situation, it is the ugly truth. These are someone else's kids, not ours, not in the beginning. I have every confidence that one day through time and effort if it leads to an adoption that these children will view themselves as ours, because we already do.
I could go on and on about the good the bad and the ugly parts of this process. I usually tend to focus on the good, because I see how much God is moving and working through this process and where He is there can only be love and goodness coming from it. Sometimes the emotions run high though, and I just have to let it out somewhere. This is the somewhere. Thanks for sticking with us through this process!
One thing is certain; it's not as simple as swiping your card and getting a kid!
Our final class was yesterday and it was all about "Educational Advocacy." I could of taught the class in my sleep. All about how schools work, what an IEP is, how a 504 plan works, what is RTI and No Child Left Behind... On and on, it was much like my entry level education classes. At one point our instructor looked at me and said, would you just explain RTI because I'm sure you can do a better and quicker job than I can. It was my pleasure. It's hard to sit and listen to someone who doesn't work in your field explain how things in your field work. (Albeit quite entertaining to hear someone else's perspective on the education system.)
Our class had to be held at the public library in La Salle because the Center was having plumbing issues. As our class was wrapping up another couple said, so what now? Can we just swipe our magic license and take a kid home with us? To which my husband replied, well we are at a library can't we just do a kid check out? Everyone in the class had a good laugh, but we were all in agreement that it felt like okay, we're done, bring on the kids! While I know that this waiting time will be one of the tougher parts of the journey I am still certain that God has not left us alone. He is working behind the scenes on overdrive I am sure. He would not have taken us this far this quickly to leave us alone and in the dark. While I would have loved to get a call already today, I know that HIS timing is perfect!
We don't know when we will get a phone call, but our trainer seems to think that it will at least be within the next two months. Two months! That feels like an eternity of waiting for a phone call, like sitting and watching water boil...Now many people have said "well that's sooner than a nine month pregnancy." Well yes it is, but for us the placement is just the beginning.
At the end of nine months you get a baby and life moves on, for the most part. For us our lives may well be in limbo for years. Also during a pregnancy you know what you are getting. One baby, (possibly more, on the off chance of twins or even triplets) gender, approximate due date, and oh yeah, age, new born. For us we have no idea about ages, numbers of kids, emotional problems, physical problems, life situations, family baggage, and the list goes on.
While we signed up for this, and know that this is all part of the process it tends to bother me a bit when people "write off" this process as "easy" and say "that's no time at all." While I understand that most of the time people simply don't have a clue about this process, or simply don't know what to say, it still bothers me more than it should. Don't get me wrong, we have a great support system and no one has ever said anything meant to hurt us. But it's like everything else, unless you have lived it, or are living it, you don't fully understand it.
Our licensing agent ticked me off to the max during our last home visit. She sat across the table from us and wanted to "make sure we had really gotten over the whole infertility thing." EXCUSE ME?! Lady you have three kids at home and have admitted you have no idea what it's like to go through any of this, so while I understand your concern for the kids placed in our care, get a grip! I know that she didn't mean anything mean or rude by it, and overall we have had a great experience with her, but in that moment I was like "you have no idea where we are coming from." Quite honestly I wanted to unleash on her, but I was professional and firm and assured her we would be the best parents we could be to the children placed in our care and wouldn't "take out our emotions" on them. I yi yi!
Something else that kills me, is that people think we have just fallen off of Mars when it comes to caring for children. Hello!!! I work with children on a DAILY basis, I have a DEGREE in it. And while I understand that teaching is very different than parenting, I also do not know any parent that has it all together. And honestly I could tell some parents more about how a child grows and develops emotionally, physically, and mentally because I am a teacher than they could simply because they give birth to a kid! (I warned you this was an emotional one!)
Here's another thing. The children we get into our home won't be like the ones people bring home from the hospital. Ours will have a LOOOOONG list of baggage that goes with them. So what works for your two year old will most definitely not work for the two year old that comes into our home that knows more curse words than your average junior high student! I get it, everyone wants to help, everyone wants to be a part of this journey, but there are times when I just have no words to describe how wrong people are in their assumptions. Part of starting this blog was to let people in on the truth of the journey, well part of the truth is not always sunshine and roses. So this is an ugly part.
While adoption is getting a lot of buzz time in our culture, it's not the easy beautiful process that our society seems to paint it as. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but there is a lot of ugly that comes with it. People have to realize, especially in our case, that there is some really dark crap that accompanies these kids. It's not like DCFS takes someone's kids away simply because their house isn't clean. It's also not like these kids come out unscathed. There is a lot of damage that can already be done at a very young age. While we are ready for the fight and know what to expect, I think most people glorify what we do as saving a child's life and that's that.
Let me tell you something. These children will LOVE their biological parents, no matter how "bad" they may be. These children, if they are old enough to understand, will WANT to go back home, at least initially. Yes, eventually bonds will be formed, and hopefully our situation leads to adoption, but there is a lot of darkness that has to be maneuvered through first.
We HAVE to maintain a "good" relationship with birth families. One, because the state requires it, and two because honestly, it's what's best for our kids. Ultimately every kid will want to go home, even if just to see what it was, or where they came from. Their birth parents love them, even though it may be very twisted and confusing. The kids also need to see that adults, that they love, in their very complicated lives can get along well. They can't come to us and forget their whole past, and we can't either. We can only come to terms with it.
While people try to talk us out of this thinking, or talk "around" this situation, it is the ugly truth. These are someone else's kids, not ours, not in the beginning. I have every confidence that one day through time and effort if it leads to an adoption that these children will view themselves as ours, because we already do.
I could go on and on about the good the bad and the ugly parts of this process. I usually tend to focus on the good, because I see how much God is moving and working through this process and where He is there can only be love and goodness coming from it. Sometimes the emotions run high though, and I just have to let it out somewhere. This is the somewhere. Thanks for sticking with us through this process!
One thing is certain; it's not as simple as swiping your card and getting a kid!
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