It's been a long time
Our little man's one year birthday is coming up. What a crazy, wonderful, stressful, scary, awesome, horrible, beautiful year it has been! I haven't written much this last year because honestly, I didn't want to. I get so angry sometimes at our little guy's situation I don't want to and can't think about it. I have horrible anxiety every time he is taken on a visit. I have gone over and over and over the "what if's" until I could throw up. Sometimes I just DON'T want to talk about it. So I don't write, because writing would make me face things that I can push out of my mind.
It's been a long long long road and we still don't have an end in sight. People always ask when, when will it be over, when will everything be finalized. Honestly I don't know. I, more than anyone, want to know! I want answers! I want control! But I have none of those things. It sucks. It really really does.
Quite honestly there have been times this year where we just felt so very alone. That no one in any kind of power to do something would do ANYTHING to protect our little man. Not for us, but for our precious little chubby-cheeked sweet heart baby. In the past year we have gone through about 5 different social workers, some much better than others. Currently we are on a good path with our workers, but we know how quickly all of that can change. It's frustrating and hard that nothing in my power can be done to help the situation. I know because I've asked, and tried. But laws are laws, and the laws don't work for the benefit of the children. Anyone with the slightest experience with the system knows that. But yet we press on, because for right now, for this time, we are helping save the life of another person.
We haven't slept all night in 11 months. I was told yesterday that I looked drained lately. Oh, people have no idea! There is no rest for this kind of experience. It's a kind of exhaustion that isn't physical or even mental, but a whole lot more rolled into one with an elephant on your chest. Most times when I am "spacing out" I am thinking of so many things that involve our little man. Things that I can't talk about or express either because the listener would not understand, or they are too painful to verbalize. I often tell people that going through this journey is like walking through a nightmare. Every time you think something is getting better it gets about 100 times worse, and you can't wake up from it. All you want is to wake up from the experience, but there is no escape, this isn't a dream, this is the harsh reality of our lives at this point.
Our lives are not simple. We are forced to face a horrible reality every day in the fact that we have no permanency in our lives. Things can always change. It's not a fun place to be, the place that we are at. We've learned a lot and gone through a lot. My poor husband has to slap me out of myself some days, because I just can't handle the reality we are in. I've felt alone, I've asked why, I've yelled over and over at God. I've waited for HIS help to come and felt nothing. Some days I can feel His great plan for us, and other days I wonder if He's forgotten about the Brown family, with the cute little chubby baby, who lives in the middle of "podunk." But when my anxiety and emotions kick into overdrive my logical self and my very logical husband kick me to and point me to look for the truth. Truth that I have learned since I was little and that has been hidden in my heart. Recently I came across a verse that I had heard many times, but in a different transition and it really resonated with me about our situation.
The Message puts it this way:
1 Peter 4:12,13 MSG
It's been a long long long road and we still don't have an end in sight. People always ask when, when will it be over, when will everything be finalized. Honestly I don't know. I, more than anyone, want to know! I want answers! I want control! But I have none of those things. It sucks. It really really does.
Quite honestly there have been times this year where we just felt so very alone. That no one in any kind of power to do something would do ANYTHING to protect our little man. Not for us, but for our precious little chubby-cheeked sweet heart baby. In the past year we have gone through about 5 different social workers, some much better than others. Currently we are on a good path with our workers, but we know how quickly all of that can change. It's frustrating and hard that nothing in my power can be done to help the situation. I know because I've asked, and tried. But laws are laws, and the laws don't work for the benefit of the children. Anyone with the slightest experience with the system knows that. But yet we press on, because for right now, for this time, we are helping save the life of another person.
We haven't slept all night in 11 months. I was told yesterday that I looked drained lately. Oh, people have no idea! There is no rest for this kind of experience. It's a kind of exhaustion that isn't physical or even mental, but a whole lot more rolled into one with an elephant on your chest. Most times when I am "spacing out" I am thinking of so many things that involve our little man. Things that I can't talk about or express either because the listener would not understand, or they are too painful to verbalize. I often tell people that going through this journey is like walking through a nightmare. Every time you think something is getting better it gets about 100 times worse, and you can't wake up from it. All you want is to wake up from the experience, but there is no escape, this isn't a dream, this is the harsh reality of our lives at this point.
Our lives are not simple. We are forced to face a horrible reality every day in the fact that we have no permanency in our lives. Things can always change. It's not a fun place to be, the place that we are at. We've learned a lot and gone through a lot. My poor husband has to slap me out of myself some days, because I just can't handle the reality we are in. I've felt alone, I've asked why, I've yelled over and over at God. I've waited for HIS help to come and felt nothing. Some days I can feel His great plan for us, and other days I wonder if He's forgotten about the Brown family, with the cute little chubby baby, who lives in the middle of "podunk." But when my anxiety and emotions kick into overdrive my logical self and my very logical husband kick me to and point me to look for the truth. Truth that I have learned since I was little and that has been hidden in my heart. Recently I came across a verse that I had heard many times, but in a different transition and it really resonated with me about our situation.
The Message puts it this way:
1 Peter 4:12,13 MSG
"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner."
I don't know that I will ever reach a feeling of "gladness" that I am in the very middle of things, but it gives me hope that GLORY, is just around the corner. So I'm waiting, waiting for the corner.
I don't know that I will ever reach a feeling of "gladness" that I am in the very middle of things, but it gives me hope that GLORY, is just around the corner. So I'm waiting, waiting for the corner.
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